I'm struggling...

Well after a month of tests, we are kind of back where we started (but worse). I have neurological damage from my mold exposure which is affecting the muscles in my legs - so greater than the initial assessment of "just" CNS system damage. But I will need further invasive testing to see what exactly is wrong and whereabouts in my body is most affected. My neurologist is quite shocked at the extent of the damage and feels its worse than when he first saw me. My blood tests seem to show that my whole body is suffering from inflammation.

And he feels that my body still seems to be either a) deteriorating or b) they didnt realise exactly how much damage their was initially.

Now the irony is I've been coping really well with everything but this new diagnosis has hit me for six. I just cant seem to move past it. I'd even come close to calling it mild depression. Or maybe more emotional numbness. I'm sad that buying something as simple as a house has done this to my body.

I'm angry that I used to be so fit and healthy and now I'm not. But at the same time, I dont care and I want to give up. I want to cry but I cant be bothered. I've abandoned my autumn garden because I quite frankly I simply dont care.

Doctors visits and tests take up way too much time in my life. And I find it sad that my 4 year old takes going to hospitals in his stride. He just asks which hospital or doctor we are seeing and bounces along with life. The whole family spends so much time watching my weight, my health and we had just too much time recently freaking out about serious weight loss, numb arms, rashes and other annoying mold side effects.

So on advice, I am starting to focus more on some self care. All this trekking around for docs, caring for a 4 year old, selling a house etc etc has taken over my life. So my aim for the next month to spend time doing things I like - simple things like reading books, knitting, watching some movies (and old passion I dont get to indulge with a hands on child). I'm hoping I can work my way through this emotional struggle so I can get on with healing my body.